From the world of religion, the Most Reverend Damion Siggs Siksics.

From the Chicago Religious Bulletin, June 5, 2005.

BELL-RINGER FIASCO DOESN’T DETER NOTED REVEREND FROM
ENDORSING LIBERAL-BASHING BOARD GAME

On Monday morning, a man with both arms in a cast answered Reverend Damion Siggs Siksics’ want ad for a new bell-ringer. Because of the obvious handicap, Pastor Siksics dismissed the man’s pleas for the job until he insisted he could ring the bell loud enough by running into it with his forehead and nose. The curious, compassionate, and often rantingly optimistic minister gave the pathetic initiate all he really wanted—a chance. The rugged and resolute imbecile ran straight into the bell with his forehead and nose, and it rang so loud that hundreds of his parishioners heard it, and, thinking it meant some kind of special service, began making their ways to the church.

Unfortunately, the proud but accident-prone idiot hit the bell so hard that he bounced right out the bell tower window, screaming like a saint sent to hell by mistake, all 220 feet down to the cement courtyard below.

According to eyewitnesses, he lay writhing and groaning and bleeding as the slouching parishioners sauntered over. When Pastor Siksics got down from the tower, one of his followers asked him, “What’s going on here? Who is this man? What’s his name?”

The most deferential parson scratched his shock of red hair, recently dyed for the religious holidays, and said, “I honestly don’t know who he is. I forgot to get his name, but his face rings a bell.”

That was Monday morning. On Tuesday morning, another very hapless and disheveled, yet unembarrassed human being with both arms in a cast showed up at the bell tower. He said to the cherubic churchman, “That man yesterday was my brother. I’m here to uphold our family honor. We may be accident-prone, but we can hold down a job! I’ll run into the bell with my face just like my brother did.”

At first, the great religious leader feigned polite indifference and refused to allow the shaken, downtrodden, and impoverished whimperer to try to ring the bell. But then, like a pimple on your chin you just can’t leave alone, Pastor Siksics began to feel the dull, nagging pull of this bold chump’s troubles.

Once he had permission, the non-procrastinating, self-willed dabbler ran straight into the bell with his face. It rang so loud that hundreds of parishioners heard it and began making their ways to the church.

Unfortunately, the tough but hapless fall guy hit the bell so hard that he bounced right out the bell tower window, hit his head on the cement 220 feet below, and died.

The first prompt parishioner to arrive yelled up to the now somewhat timid and addled clergyman in the bell tower, “Hey, Pastor Siksics, who is the dead man? What’s his name?”

The dutiful, mooching windbag in the bell tower responded honestly, yelling down, “Come to think of it, I didn’t get his name either, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

That was Tuesday morning. On Wednesday morning, the distracted preacher held a news conference he had planned for Monday, announcing full endorsement of those who were using “Public Assistance: Why Bother Working for a Living?” as an entertaining tool to rehabilitate lingering liberals.

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